Everybody's getting some but me

You dumped a porn star? - Friendship over!

Pool Sharks - Simpsons

I haven't eated since the last time I eated

Hello 911? How are you?

Start with a compliment

Turn Your Wounds Into Wisdom

Miley, what's good?

Look everyone! This is so funny!

I feel very welcome here

Can I have permission to say "Hell Yeah"?

Sneed's Feed and Seed - Simpsons

I made me laugh

Would I rather be feared or loved?

I hate the idea that someone out there hates me - The Office

Men are dirt!

i'm going to kill that whore

Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic - The Simpsons

Some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing

I miss my pre-internet brain

Someone's gonna end up crying. Probably me.

I have no words to describe this day

Dildo - The original selfie stick

Look at me I'm a grad student - The Simpsons

You been drinking drugs?

I'm multi slacking today

Be cool

Regret

Sometimes all you need is 500 million dollars

Oh no if Marge marries Artie I'll never be born - The Simpsons

I'm not like a boss - I'm the boss - Cat

Wine in my cereal

Fuck Your Guns

All artists tend to be a bit weird

I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no God - Homer Simpson

My boss told me to have a good day so I went home

How do you make a pact with the Devil?

You're too easily offended - I can't believe you just said that

My ideal girl is a female who is interested in men

The sea was angry that day my friends - Seinfeld

Get Lost

This is the lake - The Office

I just really wanna be fucked

Cradle of Filth I presume that's a band - IT Crowd

I must have like fallen on a bullet

For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding "You're making a sence" - Homer Simpson

Do not touch WIlly - The Simpsons

[regrets prior life choices]

Working on a Saturday

What was it Shakespeare said? - He said a lot of things Jeremy

Be inspired - Be inspiring

I am not nice

Now entering Winnipeg

Poop my pants - The Office

IDGAF = I don't give away food

Please kindly go away I'm introverting

Fuck distance

I consider myself a professional masturbator

Springfield Christian School - Simpsons

El Barto is very fucking real

Don't kid yourself, Jimmy - Simpsons

Please don't speak to me while I'm not listening

Apart from sleeping I'm always on the internet

Erections today - Simpsons

But my mom says I'm cool - Milhouse Van Houten - The Simpsons

No I cannot kill you today I have pilates

Pants? You mean leg prisons

I wanna go back in mommy - Ralph Wiggum

[crowd booing]

Pippety poppety give me the zoppety

I'm a sign not a cop - Simpsons

Life is hard, right? - Wrong! Life is easy! You suck

To start press any key - The Simpsons

You familiar with that face?

I've made a huge mistake

My plan was to marry rich and then stop working

I'm tired of this bullshit - Lisa Simpson

Grab that little hoe

I'm actually not funny - I'm just mean and people think I'm joking

Last name Jass, first name Hugh - Simspsons

Fight the power - Simpsons

Nothing to wear

Laughing - Crying

I'm funny right? What do you know? You're a door

Can't they get a pole for that sign? - Simpsons

Silence and Money

Stay back, slut

You can't live a positive life with a negative mind

But I want to hurt people, not animals

Dreams don't work unless you do

If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job

Live each day like it was your last - The Simpsons

Yessica it's like Jessica but ethnic

High as a kite

Super Nintendo Chalmers

200 channels and nothing but cats

I'm saving my virginity for divorce

I love inside jokes - Love to be a part of one someday - The Office

Whay am I even alive?

This is uncool - X-Files

Ventura? Yes Satan?