Take me out of what?

I want world peace and bigger boobs - Phoebe

Animal Hospital - The animals are the patients - Community

I'm so happy you're eating again

Look look everyone! This is so funny!

The center of a donut is 100% fat free

Thank you, alcohol

I wanna go back in mommy - Ralph Wiggum

Ernie how do I look? - With your eyes Bert

Working on a Saturday

Men are like plants

Marge it's 3am shouldn't you be baking? - The SImpsons

Need motivation to lose weight? - Just eat in front of mirror naked

Your boobs are dead

Why would you do that? - Ross

Can I have some? - The Simpsons

Laughing - Crying

I sing way too much for someone who can't sing

Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!

You respect dibs don't you?

Starbucks - Simpsons

(speaking penguinese)

We're all homos - Homo sapiens - The Office

Just because you're a lesbian, it doesn't make you less of a bein - The Simpsons

So it was you who made the floor slippery

I wonder what the non-pathetic people are doing tonight - The Big Bang Theory

You underestimate my power

Silence and Money

I hope everyone loves my blog this week

Being an adult is terrible

God thanks for nothing - Bart Simpson

Unicorn - Michael Scott

How often have you drove past a fire and thought "how can this benefit me?"

Every time a couple gets married two single people die

Your tears say more than real evidence ever could

I finally bought myself a Plasma TV

[kills you in Spanish]

Yoga? Isn't that a cult?

Natural light! Get it off me! - The Simpsons

Kiss the best way to shut a girl up

One, two, three - The Office

No I cannot kill you today I have pilates

I am serious and don't call me Shirley

I should not have poured wine in my cereal this morning

These girls belong to me

[screams internally]

Lost Child - No Reward - Milhouse Van Houten - The Simpsons

If you fall - I'll be there - Floor

I hate when people remember my name - Because then it's like I'm supposed to remember their name

OK less gay

[gets shot in spanish]

How the fuck can a peanut kill someone, it's not even a person

Here's to respecting women

The holy fuckin' bible son

Silence is better that bullshit

Last name Jazz. First name Hugh - The Simpsons

I've made a huge mistake

Pika Pika - Pikachu

Sneed's Feed and Seed - Simpsons

Life is like math

I am not nice

You guys from Florida?

Poop backwards is poop

You been drinking drugs?

This is uncool - X-Files

I'm a good noodle

Pippety poppety give me the zoppety

I'm a sign not a cop - Simpsons

Listen and Believe

More that broken, he's alone

What is it asshole day?

Springfield Psychiatric Center

Regret

i'm always one step ahead like carpenter that makes stairs

Please don't throw garbage at me - The Office

Tear the bitch apart

TGIF

By the way I faked every orgasm

The world's first two story out-house

Why can't I marry this pie?

Hello 911? How are you?

Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common

Sometimes I have inside jokes with myself

Sleeping alone is a waste of my sexual talent

Someone's gonna end up crying. Probably me.

I'm just normal functioning member of the human race

Nothing to wear

People who use a lot of swear words

I relish your wit

Wish you were here

Some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing

Get Lost

Do not read the next sentence

Too many assholes not enough bullets

Look at me - I'm captain now

I see basic bitches

Everyone sucks but me

Why do we, as a society, hate old people so much? - Because they're lame - The Office

I love inside jokes - Love to be a part of one someday - The Office

Unflattering test results

Actually that was the sound of me eating spaghetti