I can fix that

This is just smoke and ash - Simpsons

[regrets prior life choices]

Springfield Christian School - Simpsons

I'm not mature enough for this

So you're one of those "don't call me a chick" chicks? - The Simpsons

How exciting another closed door

You underestimate my power

Too many assholes not enough bullets

Cigarette? - Yes, I know

I am so excited I may vomit

When a pregnant woman swims she is a human submarine

Homer are you wearing a tie to impress Laddie?

Well one of us has to change

Jolly Gummibears

Silly girl - He doesn't care

Can't you just kind of fuck off?

Please kindly go away I'm introverting

So it was you who made the floor slippery

Oh my God he's online. Can he see me?

Who says the nights are for sleeping?

I already won the lottery - I was born in the USA

Every day is like Halloween

I'm actually not funny - I'm just mean and people think I'm joking

Purple stuff inside donut is a fruit - The Simpsons

I'm this close to loosing my shit

Your tears say more than real evidence ever could

Small breasts should be called petits

How often have you drove past a fire and thought "how can this benefit me?"

dat holy ass

Morningwood Penitentiary - Simpsons

My plan was to marry rich and then stop working

People are so fucking annoying

A man's gotta eat - Trailer Park Boys

I'm not indecisive - I just can't decide

Camera phone - Autograph of 21th century

More that broken, he's alone

Dildo - The original selfie stick

I'm not anti-social - I'm anti-idiot

Some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing

Take me Garth

Stoner's Pot Palace - Simpsons

I hate when people remember my name - Because then it's like I'm supposed to remember their name

[doesn't give a single fuck about your opinion in spanish]

Bitch you ok?

I love you - Thank you

Springfield Sperm Bank - Simpsons

I haven't eated since the last time I eated

Ernest goes somewhere cheap - Simpsons

I miss my pre-internet brain

Bort Simpson

Life is like math

Silence and Money

A man with dreams needs a woman with vision

I'm not ashamed of my body - That's the problem

His problem is he is an asshole

I thrive off negativity

Ralph you're not a kangaroo

The first thing you need to know is that the Intenet is amazing

They hate us cause they ain't us

I'm a locksmith

I'm alone and I love it

Been there regretted that

No I cannot kill you today I have pilates

But my mom says I'm cool - Milhouse Van Houten - The Simpsons

Am I perfect? - Yes I am

Follow your dreams - Doge

Didn't you read Lords of the ring in high school?

If you're happy and you know it - thats a sin - The Simpsons

You guys from Florida?

What you read it's true - I'm a bitch

I noticed you're wearing open-toed shoes - Since when did you become a whore? - Dwight Schrute

Stop dating my mother - The Office

Drink Your Problems Away

What were you so sad about?

Parent teacher night - Let's share the blame - Simpsons

Hello 911? How are you?

If you're thinking what I'm thinking you need professional help

u smell like dog poo

Here's a phone - Call somebody who cares - The Simpsons

By the way I faked every orgasm

I hate the public so much - Homer Simpson

I made me laugh

Seems, I'm full of rage

[softly] Don't - Michael Scott (The Office)

I'm sick of trying to be perfect

Why can't women parallel park?

[calls sugar daddy]

Mom and Pop hardware - Simpsons

200 channels and nothing but cats

Her name is The Barefoot Contessa

Don't kid yourself, Jimmy - Simpsons

(speaking penguinese)

Ross doing his "watching tv"

The evil queens are the princesses that were never saved

Don't ever call me that - The Simpsons

Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!

I so need lessons from you on how to be cool

Drinks milk angrily

You respect dibs don't you?

This isn't my daddy this is my father