Don't even care

Kids! They grow up so fast, they move out so slow

Springfield Sperm Bank - Simpsons

By the way I faked every orgasm

I'm not indecisive - I just can't decide

It's a Sunday. I don't move on Sundays

Yoga? Isn't that a cult?

I've had it with you

Hey I cook! - Offering people gum is not cooking

I love a good nap

Would a coward have this?

Miley, what's good?

I'm a good noodle

It's a great day for being sad

Thank you, alcohol

I only logged on Facebook today to see who is driving the drama bus

Turn Your Wounds Into Wisdom

You don't call retard people retard - Michael Scott

The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink

I hope everyone loves my blog this week

Because I have a masters degree in fierce

Talk means trouble - Don't talk

Look at me I'm a grad student - The Simpsons

El Barto - El Homo - The Simpsons

Well one of us has to change

I just really wanna be fucked

Been there regretted that

After eating all day I could use some food

Animal Hospital - The animals are the patients - Community

She was a lawyer he was a sandwich

48 episodes later - The Simpsons

We're not only proud about that, we're smug about it

No, thats just what they'll be expecting us to do

Am I out of touch? - Skinner

Stop dating my mother

Too sad to walk - Homer Simpson

No smoking in bars what's next?

[calls sugar daddy]

Please don't throw garbage at me - The Office

I am the most offended by the easily offended

U-R-Gay - The Simpsons

Parent teacher night - Let's share the blame - Simpsons

a cup of galaxy

I don't like you I just want to have sex with you

Here's a phone - Call somebody who cares - The Simpsons

Get rich or drunk trying

The evil queens are the princesses that were never saved

I'm alone and I love it

My fear is that PMS doesn't exist

[chuckles uncomfortably]

Kiss the best way to shut a girl up

Do your people even celebrate Thanksgiving? - We did, Once.

Me overweight mom dresses too sexy

[screams internally]

Sometimes all you need is 500 million dollars

I hate the public so much - Homer Simpson

This isn't gonna be about Jesus, is it? - The Simpsons

I'm not mature enough for this

Please don't tell anyone how I live - The Simpsons

Recognize Missouri - Grampa Simpson

I know you can read my thoughts, boy - Meow meow meow - The Simpsons

God took me into his hands and says yo Kanye

Look look everyone! This is so funny!

Springfield Psychiatric Center

I hate other people's love - Homer Simpson

Sad Girls Club

Marketing - Homer Simpson

Her name is The Barefoot Contessa

Scissor me - The Office

Fuck Your Guns

Metaphors? I hate metaphors

I'm funny right? What do you know? You're a door

Why would you do that? - Ross

I have absolutely no idea what's goin on - Homer Simpson

Correct me if I'm wrong - You're wrong

Now entering Winnipeg

Silence and Money

[gasps in spanish]

I noticed you're wearing open-toed shoes - Since when did you become a whore? - Dwight Schrute

Hello 911? How are you?

Before calling me ask yourself - Is this textable?

I can fix that

One, two, three - The Office

Wow we really are bitches

Be cool

Look at me - I'm captain now

I finally bought myself a Plasma TV

[doesn't give a single fuck about your opinion in spanish]

I am not nice

I'm actually not funny - I'm just mean and people think I'm joking

I'm sick of trying to be perfect

Deja Poo

I'm not a slut but who knows?

Unflattering test results

I'm a level 5 vegan - I won't eat anything that casts a shadow - The Simpsons

Give me a million dollars or I'll bash you - The Simpsons

How exciting another closed door

Some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing

But I want to hurt people, not animals

All artists tend to be a bit weird

I've tried hitting it - I've tried yelling at it - The Simpsons